The Bulgarian Ass-Inhabiting Hermit Crab

Ok. I've decided to continue blogging. But I'm going to start over. As you may have noticed, all previous posts have been removed. Family and friends were deeply disturbed by the content. Thus I am attempting to write a tamer blog. No more profanity. No more stories about family and friends. Henceforth, my writings will be a departure from the narrative style that marked my previous work. I will focus an a more impersonal journalistic style. To family and friends I say: I'm very disappointed in you. What you saw here was a part of the real me. You disapproved (and I don't blame you for that because its your prerogative). But know this, I will never stop writing as myself. However, I will not share those writings with you and they will be published either under an assumed name or posthumously. Consider yourselves deprived of ever really knowing the true me.

As for my devoted readers, send me your email addresses and I will be sure to supply you with the "good stuff."

What follows is a brief description of a terrible creature that came to be late one evening when my bother and I were delirious with sleep deprivation. We laughed and cried until the sun came up the following morning. In fact, we still laugh about it.

The Bulgarian ass-inhabiting hermit crab (also known as the Fijian Nard Wrangler) is a particularly pugnacious species of hermit crab that inhabits a chain of islands near Fiji in the South Pacific. It was (accidentally) discovered by a Bulgarian naturalist late in the nineteenth century. These hermit crabs are unique in that they do not have shells. Instead, they creep up on the native male population as they slumber on the beaches under the stars after a wild night of fire dancing ( or other seemingly pointless native activities ). These crabs get a running start and weasel their way past the natives' loin-cloths and lodge themselves in the victims' bums. These bum-dwelling crustaceans are notorious for their surly dispositions, their marked propensity for violence, and their abhorrence of things that jiggle. When provoked (which is most of the time) the bum-inhabiting Bulgarian hermit crab will burst forth from the poor fellow's rectum and viciously attack his scrotum. When the disgruntled crab is sufficiently exhausted it retreats back into the cozy confines of its bum-home. Eventually, the skin on the hosts scrotum becomes thick and leathery and the man and his crab become surprisingly fond of one another. Thus an unlikely symbiotic bond develops. The crab continues to use the host's scrotum as a punching bag and by-and-by becomes outrageously powerful and even begins to exhibit territorial behavior. In one incident that was reported last year to a local UN relief office, a local islander was courting a young lady in a nearby village. One evening, as he trotted through the jungle; en route to a tete-a-tete with his beloved, he was accosted by the young lady's father and six nefarious brothers. All had large machetes and were only seconds away from hacking the poor chap to bits when out burst his viciously territorial bum-dwelling comrade. The crab went to work on those surly mofos and when it was done, the bodies of the assailants were un-identifiable. The young man was later quoted as saying: "These crabs are totally auspicious. I don't know but sometimes I believe this in my heart."