The Smoking Benjo Snipe

The Ornithosis Pyrosphinctus - also known as the "smoking benjo snipe," the "smoking rocket bird," or the "ugly f%&ker" - is a large, awkward, bug-eyed bird indigenous to the Cocos Islands in the Indian Ocean. It's tiny legs, grotesquely rotund body, and sparse rust-colored plumage make it one of nature's less glamorous creatures. It feeds primarily on algae that grow on the rocks that surround coastal tidal pools. A small organ that is attached to the bird's pancreas produces a rare digestive enzyme called gigazene quasimerase that is unique to the species. As the algae travel through the bird's gastrointestinal tract, it interacts with this enzyme to produce a foul smelling and highly volatile smoke that perpetually seeps from the bird's anus and lingers in its plumage. The smoke is beneficial in that it repels both parasites and predators but it does little to protect the bird from its most serious threat - natural selection.


Furthermore, as a result of its smokiness, the bird has found its way into the lore of native Islanders who believe the smoke to be the manifestation of the bird's psyche. It is said that these birds can transform themselves entirely into clouds of putrid smoke and can thus be inhaled into the lungs of sleeping victims.

Perhaps the most intriguing and remarkable thing about the smoking benjo snipe is its bizarre mating ritual. Every year in early November, the males gather on the cliff-tops that overlook the sea. They hop about excitedly on one foot or the other as they peck at each others' genitals and puff enormous volumes of smokey gas out of their puckered birdy butt-holes. Then, one by one, they dash wildly toward the cliff's edge. As they run, they crush the flint pebbles that are scattered about. The sparks that fly from the crushed flint ignite the bird's smokey flatus and a jet of shrieking flame spews from the bird's anus, propelling it off of the cliff and into the air. This is the only time at which the Ornithosis Pyrosphinctus is capable of flight. They are known to reach speeds in excess of Mach two (1,522 miles per hour.) This, of course, has earned the bird the title of "fastest creature on Earth" (the Peregrine Falcon comes in a distant second at speeds just over 200 miles per hour.) Only one in three male smoking benjo snipes survive this ritual. For two out of three explode violently mid-flight. Consequently, the bird's meat is something of a culinary delicacy as it requires no preparation and literally falls from the sky.