The Gnawing Gomer Donkey

The Gnawing Gomer Donkey belongs to a renegade band of disenfranchised pack-animals that were originally known for scouring the Andes Mountains in search of slow-moving prey like quadriplegic midgets and Canadian tourists. A recent escalation in aggressive behavior among this marauding herd has been attributed to a disturbing trend marked by an increase in substance abuse among the herd's members. Dr. Horatio Fernandez, a mammalogist from the University of Buenos Aires who has spent nearly two decades in the field studying the behavior of the gnawing gomer donkey, maintains that the increase in aggressive behavior among the herd began after it overpowered a caravan of clinically depressed rodeo clowns who were smuggling crack into Argentina in March of 2005. Dr. Fernandez says that he watched in horror as the gnawing gomer donkeys gnawed their way into a large wooden crate that was loaded with cocaine. In a brazen effort to verify the contents of the crate, Dr. Fernandez braved subfreezing temperatures, doo doo ticks, and rabid llamas as he crawled on his belly through a rock slide in order to get a closer look. "That's how I got the chlamydia," he later told his incredulous wife. His worst fears confirmed, Dr. Fernandez watched in awe as the herd scaled a 2000 foot tall rock face in just under three seconds. According to Fernandez's GPS data and official reports, the herd sprinted for 3oo miles before stopping to raid a meth-lab and push a 6000 ton boulder over onto a Bolivian border-town. Experts say that the herd now feeds exclusively on crack to the extent that when they defecate, only powder comes out.

Carlos Mendez, a Bolivian goat herder from a small mountain village in Oruro recently survived a rare encounter with one of the vile beasts. Said Mr. Mendez: "I see a wolf near my goats and I say: 'Bah! There are no wolfs [wolves] in Bolivia.' But I run at him with my stick and say: 'Go! You go, bad wolf!' But the wolf, he does not run away so I run to hit him with the stick and when I get close I say: 'Whoa! You are not wolf! You are I don't know what!' He have eyes like el diablo and he have the white stuff all over his face! And teeth like this (Mr. Mendez raises his upper lip in an effort to exhibit buckteeth.) He had not much fur and he smell like potatoes. He look at me and make a noise like: 'Gnurrrr!' Like this!" (Mr. Mendez gurgles spit in his throat and his eyes grow wide.) Mr. Mendez was fortunate to have survived his encounter. But for a loaf of flower bread - dropped by Mendez - that the gomer donkey mistook for a bundle of crack, the unassuming Bolivian goat herder would doubtless have been gnawed upon. Later, however, the "wolf" turned out to be a lost and emaciated Canadian tourist who was simply asking for water.