The Pounding Boner-Possum

The Mustela Phallusenormis - also known as the "odious penis weasel", the "cock rat", or the "pounding boner-possum" - is a carnivorous weasel that is indigenous to the mountain forests of French Guiana. This seemingly benign mammal makes its home in burrows, hollowed out in the root-structures of Balata trees. The mature male will grow to approximately 50 centimetres in length and can weigh as much as 24 kilograms. The odious penis weasel has long, brown, matted fur that obscures its limbs and drags along the ground when it walks. The male of the species is the only creature in existence that is known to tailor clothing for itself. It fashions for itself a primitive loin cloth of sorts out of dried bark and tree-sap. This article of "clothing" is purely functional as it serves as a container for the weasel's immense penis.

Weighing on average 8 kilograms, the penis of the Mustela Phallusenormis comprises nearly half of the animal's total weight. Even more shocking is the tremendous dexterity of the penis. The approximately 80 centimetre long penis serves, more or less, as a fifth limb and is capable of slithering like a snake. In fact, most males , when moving over longer distances, will ride atop their own slithering penises and can reach speeds as high as 30 kilometers per hour!

The odious penis weasel can and will only achieve an erection when sexually aroused, enraged, or simply frightened. When this occurs, the penis reaches lengths of up to 1 meter and can weigh as much as 10 kilograms (consequently, the females of the species are commonly referred to as piñatas.) The erection is achieved in 20 milliseconds, causing the weasel's bark undies to explode with a loud pop that is said to resemble the report of a 20 gage shotgun. When the weasel achieves an erection, glands near its testis secrete a powerful hormone that causes the animal to become highly aggressive and irrational. In this frenzied state, these weasels have been known to thrash their turgid penises about violently, causing incredible damage to their surroundings. In a recent study, biologists from the National University of Columbia placed a male cock rat in a steel box that had 2 centimetre thick walls lined with load cells. Their intent was to measure the average force of the weasel's penis-strike. The weasel was electrocuted in a successful and ultimately tragic effort to induce the erectile frenzy.

The force of the ensuing erection was unprecedented! Mustafa Hamza, a Kuwati graduate student in biology at the University and the only surviving witness of the boner-possum's erectile frenzy stated that: "It was horrible, this boner was! A big big boner and very mighty, like fists of Allah it smite us!" After utilizing its beefy dong to punch a gaping hole in the side of its steel enclosure, the boner-possum burst forth and commenced to decimate the lab and annihilate its captors. Dr. Emilio Gomez, the team's senior zoologist, became the first casualty when he attempted to restrain the animal with a trained attack-chimp. The chimp sustained minor contusions and a lacerated cornea before fleeing the scene. The professor, however, did not fare so well. The boner-possum charged Dr. Gomez and shattered both knee-caps with a single blow of its rock-hard weener. "Dr. Gomez look at me and wave his hands and he say 'Run, Hamza, run!!!!', but I did not run. I climb up onto the cabinet and pray to Allah for dynamite vest or scimitar to make jihad on possum's boner. Then I hear Dr. Gomez legs go 'CRUNCH' and he scream very loudly," said a visibly shaken Hamza to reporters only hours after the attack. The autopsy and Hamza's eyewitness account indicate that Dr. Gomez was dead before he hit the floor. Purportedly, as he fell, the boner-possum did a triple back-flip and used it's boner to tear the professor's head off while he was still screaming and falling.

Ernesto Buendia and Hernando Fuente, Dr. Gomez's research assistants sought refuge atop a refrigerator but were both killed by flying debris as the boner-possum reduced the lab to rubble and splinters. Stephen Hawking's computer simulations of the tragic event show that the penis weasel's boner penetrated the fabric of space-time and made wild weasel-love to a worm-hole before thrashing its way through a cinder-block wall, severing a gas main, and totalling a commuter bus in the streets below. Miraculously, Hamza suffered only minor burns and inexplicable anal tenderness when the gas main ignited, obliterating the building and flinging him nearly 800 metres before he crashed through a skylight and landed - unconscious - in a hot-tub at a gay spa.

The body-count reached 439 this morning after the deranged weasel leveled a catholic primary school in downtown Bogota. Concerned and outraged citizens took to the streets, demanding that the government take action. Meanwhile, zoologists and specialists are being flown in from every corner of the globe to offer their services. President Bush has expressed his deepest condolences and has vowed to send Chuck Norris and a team of Navy SEALs to hunt down and kill the vicious weasel. In a related story, Al Gore has volunteered to fly to Bogota where he will promote his new book: Boner-Possums and Global Warming ~My Struggle With Erectile Disfunction~.

Amidst the resounding public outcry, several voices rise above the rest to ask the important question: Are there circumstances under which the deliberately induced extinction of a species becomes both ethical and warranted? The author would argue: "Yes, indeed." When you lock a pounding boner-possum in a steel box and electrocute it, you are effectively staring natural selection in the face. Having said that, it should be apparent who the endangered species is.